Understanding Fear and Longing in BIPOC Relationships
Dear Reader:
For Black, Indigenous, and People of Color (BIPOC), particularly those with a history of trauma or betrayal, relationships can carry added layers of complexity. These lived experiences often influence how we show up emotionally in partnerships, whether monogamous or non-monogamous.
As a trauma-focused psychotherapist, my approach emphasizes emotional stabilization as a first priority, using emotionally-focused therapy techniques. This helps individuals and couples heal from past wounds and navigate relationship dynamics with more compassion and empathy.
Key Points:
Our actions in relationships are often driven by deep emotions like fear or longing, particularly when trauma is present.
Negative self-images, often rooted in past experiences of betrayal or systemic oppression, influence how we engage with our partners.
Recognizing these negative self-images in ourselves and our partners fosters deeper understanding and compassion.
Protective behaviors arise when we're trying to avoid our biggest fears, especially fears tied to past trauma.
In the heat of conflict, these reactions can seem rational but often prevent true connection and understanding.
The goal is to approach each other with empathy, compassion, and a trauma-informed perspective, particularly for BIPOC individuals who may have experienced generational or personal trauma.
Relationship Tips:
Reflect on Your Own Fears and Traumas: Take time individually to identify and journal your own negative self-images, fears, and past trauma experiences. Focus on how these might show up in your relationships, especially with your partner(s).
Observe Your Partner’s Responses: In the coming week, pay close attention to your partner’s behaviors and reactions that may be rooted in their own fears or trauma. Acknowledge how their emotional responses are shaped by their lived experiences, particularly trauma or betrayal.
Practice Compassionate Communication: In your next conversation, use “I” statements to express how you feel without blaming your partner. Acknowledge the possible roots of their behavior in trauma and share your own without judgment. Create a safe space to talk openly about fears.
Validate Each Other’s Emotions: When you identify fear-based behaviors, pause and validate each other’s emotional experiences. Offer reassurance and understanding, particularly recognizing the weight of trauma or betrayal that might influence reactions.
Recommended Resources:
Books:
Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma, and Consensual Nonmonogamy by Jessica Fern – A comprehensive look at attachment styles and how they shape non-monogamous relationships, with trauma-informed advice for secure, healthy connections.
Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller – An insightful look at attachment styles and how they influence romantic relationships.
Soulmates & Sinners: Black Marriage and Family Therapy by Keshia M. Williams and Cynthia J. Harris – A culturally relevant exploration of Black relationships and the therapeutic process.
Black Love Matters by Lurie Daniel Favors – A work that explores the intersections of race, culture, and love for Black individuals and couples.
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz – A powerful tool for cultivating self-awareness and compassion in relationships.
Podcasts:
The Trauma Therapist Podcast – Offers insights on working with trauma, especially in the context of relationships.
The Love, Happiness, and Success Podcast – Discusses emotional intelligence, relationships, and personal growth.
Articles:
How Trauma Affects Relationships and What You Can Do About It – Psych Central: A helpful guide on understanding trauma’s impact on relationships.
Healing from Betrayal: Why It’s Hard to Trust Again – Psychology Today: An article on rebuilding trust after betrayal in relationships.
So, you want to deepend your emotional connection?
I offer Relationship Prompts for Growth and Healing. These carefully ongoing curated prompts inspired by past and current relationship therapy sessions or coaching, and are designed to guide you and your partner(s) through meaningful conversations that foster empathy, understanding, and emotional intimacy. Available as a digital download. Click here to access your prompts now.
love & light,
Vierge